If you’ve never been in a relationship before and you’ve just had a breakup, you might not know how to cope with a breakup.
Even if you’re been in plenty of relationships and have had plenty of breakups, you might have had a particularly bad split, or the breaking up process might always hit you particularly hard, due to your emotional state.
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In either case, it’s always good to hear a little bit of relationship advice, to tell you what you probably know already. Read through the following breakup tips to get through the most trying time, just after a good relationship has ended badly.
Accept What’s Happened
First off, accept that the relationship has ended. When a person wants out of a relationship, their ex-partner trying to convince them to return to it is not going to work. Whatever bad emotions and bad feelings they’ve had that’s brought them to break up with you are only going to be reinforced if you bother them, harrass them, or even try to cajole them into reconciliation.
Some breakups aren’t forever, but most are. If you still have feelings and you think he or she still has feelings, the best thing you can do is to (respectfully) let them know how you feel, then break off contact. Remember these two old sayings: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” and “Familiarity breeds contempt”. Both of these are saying the same thing: the more you stay away, the better their memories of you will be.
More than likely, this is the end of things. Accept what’s happened, or at least be prepared to accept what’s happened as final.
There is being dumped, and then there’s being dumped with dignity. You can call a hundred times a day and show up in the middle of the night. You can show up at their work or when they go out on a date with someone else. You can send them dirty emails and text messages. But those actions aren’t going to make things better, and they’ll end up making you feel worse–because you are lowering yourself and destroying your dignity.
Instead, respect the other person’s decision. Show the other person respect, because when you do, you’re maintaining your self-respect. What rude people don’t understand is their rudeness doesn’t reflect on the target of their bad manners, but it reflects on them. The same can be said for showing respect. When you show another person respect, that doesn’t reflect so much on them, as it reflects on you. It’s a sign of your character–not theirs.
Beyond that, respect yourself in your private time. It’s easy to blame yourself and hate yourself for what’s happened. You might have made mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes, all the time. The biggest mistake you can make is to let this turn into a spiral, where you don’t respect yourself. If you don’t, nobody else will.
Reconnect with the Family – Reaffirm Friendships
This may not be what you want to hear, but in this time, it’s important you be around the people who love you. Maybe you are new to relationships and you think of the family as those people who bored you the first decade-and-a-half of your life. Maybe the reason this romance was so great is that you were wanting to get away from these people.
But there’s a common theme in life. Our lives are intertwined with certain other people on this Earth. We keep returning and reaffirming our relationship. For most of us, family members are these people. They might not be perfect, but these are the people who care about you the most. You have the most history with them. They understand you the best.
You might have thought that was the case with your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend, but this breakup should underscore what’s real and what’s not in your life.
Breakup Tip for Bad Family Relationships
For those of you with a poison relationship to your family, ignore the above advice to reconnect with your family.
You want to seek out people who give you energy and self-esteem, not the people who drain the very life out of you or who try to tear you down. Don’t assume your mom or dad don’t love you because they hold you to a curfew, but if your relationship has been defined by acrimony and emotional abuse all your life, avoid a recurrence of that like it’s the plague. Instead, find dear friends whom you know really care about you.
Pamper Yourself – Avoid Bingeing, Though
As I said earlier, this is not the time to be hard on yourself. It’s a time when you should pamper yourself. That doesn’t mean pampering yourself by overeating or drinking too much alcohol or bingeing on drugs. Taken to excessive levels, those are self-destructive behaviors that are the opposite of pampering–but instead punishing yourself.
Sure, get the sundae if it makes you feel better. Just don’t do it every day for a month. But if you have had your eye on something, from clothes to electronics to concert tickets, splurge a little bit to reward yourself for putting up with this breakup with self-respect and dignity. Another good choice is going out for a trip, travel somewhere, and enjoy our discount for traveling with just using our links.
Let Time Work Its Magic
Give yourself time to heal from this emotional trauma. Having a breakup is always emotionally agitating, because you’ve invested so much time, emotion, and effort into it. If the other person is the one doing the breaking up part, it’s especially traumatic, becuase you perceive it as a rejection.
That may well be the case, but there are plenty of times that it’s the other person–not you. Whatever the case, dwelling on the breakup more than what is natural does you no good. You’ll be hurt for a while. Heck, you might have occasional regrets years from now. But time has a way of making emotional pains go away.
You may be tempted to jump into a new relationship, to make the pain of the old one go away and to reaffirm that you are worthy of love. It’s common to seek affirmation after a rejection. But you’ll be getting into the new relationship for the wrong reasons, if that’s your motivation. Go out and have fun, but give yourself time to adjust to the new circumstances, if you’re really hurt from this breakup.
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Get a Hobby – Self-Improvement Tips
Now is the time to focus on you, not adding a new person to your life. Many people who come out of a broken relationship don’t feel that way. They might kick themselves for messing up and want to focus on anything else but themselves, but self-improvement is a positive way to deal with rejection and move on. If you think you didn’t deserve this happy relationship, then build yourself into the kind of person you think is worthy of love.
Take up a new hobby. Go to the gym. Take up a new sport. Join an organization or club. Read and learn about a new subject. Start a new project. Take a course. Volunteer at a charity. The point being, add something to yourself. Life is about building the kind of structures around yourself that you want. This is your world and your life. Make it so by choosing a new challenge and conquering that challenge. Getting in shape-wise, some of the most popular and proven ways to do it from home, and in some quick and fun sessions are all offers for sale with our discount at Beachbody.com.
The Best Revenge – Breakup Tips
Here’s what all this relationship advice is leading to: the best revenge is to live well. That might sound trite, but cliches exist for a reason. Let’s imagine that you want to “show them” and make them sorry for ever breaking up with you. Is stalking your ex or slashing their tires going to show them? No.
All that’s going to do is reaffirm in their mind that their decision was right. It’s likely to convince them your a psycho.
But if you maintain your dignity and self-respect, you treat yourself right and reestablish a firm relationship with your loved one, and you begin to improve yourself in small but significant ways, you are proving them wrong. Eventually, you’ll end up being a better person for what’s happened, and you’ll meet that special someone who is going to make you forget your ex ever existed.
And if that person’s still around to see all this, they might think, “Hey, he or she is a better catch than who I had.” The point being, live your life to make yourself content and successful, not to make their life a disaster. In the end, that’s all you can control, and it has huge benefits, whether your ex cares or not.
Move On – Think of the Future
Along those same lines, start thinking of the future. Your life isn’t where you would like it to be. So start asking yourself what’s going to lead to the kind of life you do want.
For many people, that answer is “find a new love”, but that’s a false answer. As the old saying goes, “wherever you go, there you are”. In the end, you have to live with yourself, so focus on improving yourself and building for the future, and you’ll end up a happier person for having done so.
Whatever Doesn’t Kill You…
I can’t believe I’m bringing Nietzsche into this, but take the stance that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. In affairs of the heart, that’s usually the case.
This relationship which has just broken up has done things for you. You’ve gained experience. For a while, you had a good time. You’ve learned some of what works and what doesn’t work. You’ve learned who your real friends are.
Maybe it didn’t have the outcome you wanted, but you can’t say this romance and breakup has been a waste of time. Look at it like the poker player who raises into a pot to see their opponent’s cards. Even if that poker player loses the hand, they have gotten more information about their opponent’s cards–and their tendencies.
Tips for Coping with Breakups
If you’re smart, you’ll learn a thing or two even from a bad relationship or doomed romance, and you’ll apply it in all the other romances you ever have. It’s the school of hard knocks, but it’s an education in dating nonetheless.